and it keeps getting worse.

Pain is a necessity of life. 

Our connection with the outside world and our body lies within something most would rather avoid – pain. It alerts of danger and teaches preservation of self. It provides an extreme that yields its inverse. Pain is something not quite appreciated except by those who lack it. Whether numbness of emotion or of physical body, pain provides a lifestyle where a level of carelessness is acceptable because impending injury can be felt. And when it cannot, there must be acceptance that carelessness is replaced with carefulness – constant checking for injury and visual assessments to make an inference on physical condition. Risky activities become seemingly dangerous because of the fear of not being able to tell if there has been a severe injury. 

I have damaged nerves in both my hips. The result is a near complete loss of sensation on my skin along the top of my thighs and throughout areas of my hips. My life consists of bruises, cuts, burns and frostbite that I never felt myself receiving. Numbness does not supercede injury. I have to be fearful of an injury that I will never know when I receive. I have to be fearful of the progression of this condition to spreading and total numbness. I have to fear the loss of control and freedom within my life due to the precautions I must take to keep myself safe. I have to fear that I will never know if something is critically wrong with my body. I will never know if there is something I should be truly fearful of. So instead, I’m told to fear all the time. This fear substitutes my pain – the fear is the necessity. 

I believe I have mostly overcome my fear surrounding my condition, but occasionally it will nag at the back of my mind. I am told to be careful and check myself. I am asked if everything is alright at home or if I was in an accident. I do not want to be careful. I do not want to appear like I have been abused. I want normalcy. I want control of my body. I want sensation. 

Our connection with the outside world and our body lies within something most would rather avoid – pain. It alerts of danger, teaches preservation of self and provides an extreme that yields its inverse. Pain is something not quite appreciated except by those who lack it. I have damaged nerves in both my hips. The result is a near complete loss of sensation on my skin along the top of my thighs and throughout areas of my hips. My life consists of bruises, cuts, burns and frostbite that I never felt myself receiving. Numbness does not supercede injury. I have to be fearful of an injury that I will never know when I receive. I have to fear that I will never know if something is critically wrong with my body or if there is something I should be fearful of. So instead, I’m told to fear all the time. This fear substitutes my pain – it is the necessity. I do not want to be careful. I do not want to appear like I have been abused. I want normalcy. I want control of my body. I want sensation. 

and it keeps getting worse.